Gluten Free Goodness

Surrender: Self-Care through Letting Go

Since we’re in the midst of the July Self-Care retreat, I wanted to share this story. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one with difficulty switching my brain to “off” when necessary.

I had a dentist appointment today. Granted, not my favorite thing, I fractured my jaw in college playing rugby. Twice. And, well, it doesn’t always open easily, and that’s understandable. So I did my “always be prepared” thing: morning silent meditation, guided imagery, bringing music to listen to for the appointment, ice pack for later, etc.

I was doing my best and kept telling my jaw and neck to relax, and kept trying to manage everything in my mind. What was she doing? What was going to happen next? How long could I keep my jaw open? What was going to hurt later?

And then a little voice at the back of my head whispered, “surrender”. It was only then that I got the comedy of it all. What did I really think that I needed to be doing or managing? I had no idea what was going on, and it wasn’t like I could say, “hey, lady, use that tool instead” or “a little to the left!” There was nothing useful to DO, and certainly nowhere to go.

My job was to prepare for before and after, to find a good dentist, and then let go. There was no amount of mental hamster-wheeling that was going to make the experience any easier.

In that moment of clarity, I though, okay, I surrender.

And what do you know, *poof* most of the neck pain went away.

I mention this because it comes up a lot: with medical issues, stuck in traffic, even when we’re out ordering a gluten-free meal. Yes, you can do your homework. But you can’t control everything (or, if you can, please leave me a comment and let me know how!) Brains like to plan and strategize, and sometimes that’s a good thing.

And then it pays to know when to let go.

I find that’s something I need to relearn endlessly.

How do you remind yourself to let go?

Please do check in on the other July Self-Care posts (scroll to the bottom), and stay tuned for Carrie of Ginger Lemon Girl on Self-Care through Creativity next!

Shirley of GFE is our hostess for this week with the theme of movement, and do go and check out her great post on how to get movement with an inventive way to improve her glutes.

For those of you with good memories, this is the same picture I used last year because I LOVE IT–to me it encapsulates the joy of moving.

Movement has been a challenge for me for the past 8.5 years, but also something I LOVE.

It’s been very interesting to see how I’ve been reluctant to blog about all the progress I’ve made in the past few months  because I value it so much that I’ve been afraid that if I mention it, *poof* it’ll disappear.    It’s not very logical, but then again, neither am I.

Since the end of November I’ve gone from walking about a total of a half of a mile a day to walking somewhere close to 2 miles over the course of a day.  And it’s such a blissful thing—I love to walk.  There is something centering and nourishing about every step.  I don’t think I’ve walked without getting a big smile on my face.

It’s been an 8.5 year process, and it’s amazing how far I’ve come.  I had a huge setback last October when I fell and sprained my OTHER ankle, and that came just a week after I finished a long (for me) loop that I had been working toward for years.  And so I have a sense of trepidation, because I know that things happen, and I can get injured again, and start at ground zero.

But it will never quite be ground zero, because I have every walk that I’ve done.  I have the raindrops, the birdsongs, the wonder of the budding trees.  That’s mine to keep, no matter what.

There is a joy in movement, a beauty and a freedom that I treasure.  I remember it from when I began running.  I remember it dancing in the rain.  I remember it from playing as a kid.  There is such an abundance of beauty and richness in those memories, and no matter what, they’re part of me and I am so unbelievably grateful to have had those moments of freedom.

I’m also thankful that I believe that girl is still within me, ready to dance again.  And, despite the fact that I can’t walk a 5K (yet) somehow I’m still sure there’s one ahead of me that I’ll be able to run.

It’s extremely bittersweet.  There is, of course, some sadness for what I can’t do, but there’s also an abundance of joy in what I can, and a deeper appreciation than I ever imagined was possible.

For our self-care retreat, I decided to get up early every morning and do an extra walk.  I did one week faithfully, and then some stressors popped up, and I’ve had a harder time sleeping, so I’m not quite back yet. Hopefully next week the stars will align.

How do you get movement in your life?  And what kind of movement brings YOU joy?

On the surface, “restricting” and “self-care” sound like polar opposites and I know this is such a core issue that so many of us experience in the gluten-free community.  Generally we think of restrictions as a way of saying “no”, of controlling and denying. I’m sure everyone knows or has seen someone take even concepts about healthy eating and eating the “right foods”, and push them too far.  Yet for people with food allergies, Celiac, gluten sensitivity, etc., food restrictions can really be a way of simply living more fully, or taking better care of health.  Chances are if you’re on this blog, you know where I’m coming from.

I hate the idea of “dieting”—the regimented set of rules that are about contorting and what you do until you lose enough weight so that you can get to go back to live the way you want to.  I don’t think that works for most people in a real way or long-term, because it’s so external and designed as temporary fixes.  And yet, here are so many of us on a gluten-free or dairy-free or whatever “diet” because we’ve learned that it’s something we have to do to manage our health, avoid stomach aches, or migranes, or joint pain, or fatigue, or…(insert your own symptoms here).

Avoiding certain foods as self-care is like walking with a different set of muscles.  You may end up getting to the same spot, but the mindset isn’t the same.   The motivation is different.  It comes from the sense of “I like myself enough to not eat what will make me sick”, rather than “I need to avoid this so I can like myself better.”

I have many food restrictions beyond gluten, and so I’ve developed my own internal framework, both for peace of mind and to avoid feeling deprived.  As far as I’m concerned, as long as I’m eating good real foods, eating a balanced diet on most days (for me, that’s eating protein throughout the day to avoid getting grumpy) and exercising as I’m able, that’s it.  I’m not going to restrict, measure or count anything else.  I know that tools like a diet diary and tracking can be helpful for many people who are trying to change.  But I’m someone who tends to obsess and worry, and things like that tend to be counterproductive, especially since I have a happy balance.   Those are my  “rules” I’ve stuck to for most of the last decade.

I’ve recently developed pretty severe reflux, and this has thrown me for a loop. I know the general reflux guidelines: no tomatoes, no chocolate, no citrus, no late night munching, no alcohol, no mint…and to be quite honest, I’m struggling with them.  I love chocolate.  I love tomatoes.  I know that both don’t love me back.  That’s not new. But I am such a late-night nibbler, and I enjoy it.  Sometimes it seems to cause more reflux, sometimes it doesn’t.  I’m sure the quantity is a big part, and yet I’ve resisted making these changes.  My inner five year old says I’ve changed enough.  The irony is, of course, that I’ve eaten more chocolate and mint since I’ve decided not to as a form of rebellion, which is particularly unhelpful.  I’ve learned in the past that I can absolutely make changes, and they happen when I’m ready and properly motivated.

So my self-care goal is to be mindful of what I’m eating, especially after 7.  That means taking at least 30 seconds to breathe and center…and check in and see what I’m really needing or wanting.  I may decide to journal evening foods and moods and see where that goes.  I am quite certain I eat at night because I like to and I find it more comfortable to eat later in the day, not because I’m really hungry.  And it also means making a conscious decision.  Ideally, I’d love to cut out even half the late night snacks and see if/how much of a change that makes.

I am hoping that the self-care retreat helps keep me more accountable to myself on this front, because *sigh* these are changes I’m not eager to make, and this gives me a nice extra little nudge.

To learn more about the self-care retreat and/or to join us, there’s more info here! And here’s the rest of the lineup:

July 7^th: Valerie of City Life Eats                                 Support and connection

July 14^th: Shirley of Gluten Free Easily (GFE)         Movement

July 21^st: Carrie of Ginger Lemon Girl                       Creativity

July 28^th Iris of The Daily Dietribe                              Inward Reflection